26: I'm lost.

I can’t see myself going to homecoming dance. I don’t want to go, yet I do. It’s one of those mixed feeling things, because I feel as if something bad will happen if I go. I can’t see myself having a good time. I don’t have a dress. Well, I do, but it’s my old ones. Maybe my mom can tailor one of my sister’s old dresses. I think that would be cute. But with two days to do it, I don’t think so. I don’t think I am going for the sole reason that I won’t have so much fun.

I’ve noticed I’ve been focusing on my grades more this year. And I’ve been trying to give myself a future, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Yes, I’m slacking a bit, but I’m still trying to get into the swing of things. (Yes, even with three months into school.) This year is nothing like last year. I can’t breeze through my classes and half-ass everything. I actually have to think and do things. I’m trying not to mooch of friends. It’s hard, but I’m doing somewhat well.

I’ve decided I’m not staying up so late anymore, unless it’s break. I’m so tired at school, and I don’t get work done. It’s just a hassle so, I find it smarter. I’ve also been going to the IMCs, which I rarely did last year. I’m using my time efficiently, (mostly). I’m really trying to straighten myself up. At school at least

I haven’t finished my written component for earth/space science that I’m rewriting. I’m turning that in tomorrow since he said I could revise it and get a few points back. I can turn it in during one of my open mods. I’m open like all day tomorrow anyway.

I wish I could rant about things like this at school. We had to rant about anything that “grinds our gears” in World History today. I couldn’t think of anything, so I just ranted about how people need to be more open about people’s backgrounds. It was actually really short and fast. I hated myself for just speeding though it.

I need to figure out which photo is my favourite and best out of the set of 139 photos I took on Tuesday. It’s for my out of school photography class. It gets judged by a world known photographer!

My best friend is mad at me. I don’t know what to say except it’s utterly inane on his reason. He thinks I put my online friends before my real ones. First, I think he should be happy I have friends in other places than this stupid city or state. And, he should know I don’t put them ahead. I never have. Just because I talk about them, doesn’t mean I put them ahead. And, since they are ONLINE friends, I can’t really talk to them anywhere else but ONLINE. So chances are, if I’m online, I possibly am talking to them. That doesn’t mean they are put ahead.

Also, concerning that. I don’t understand how he inferred online friends from me saying I was going to do my homework and watch heroes in a conversation that was I guess “serious” even though it basically was a big put-down at the end to myself. It kind of irks me. And the whole message tomorrow saying, “You’re too busy for anything.”, irked me too. Really. Did he think I was with online friends? No. I would have responded four hours earlier if I was. I was actually gone. Actually out of my house. Having a life. I’m sorry if I wasn’t allowed.

Speaking of “lives”. Really, half my life is on the computer. And when I actually go into daylight with my IRL friends, and have a life, why am I the bad guy when I’m not there when an online or another IRL friend needed me? I don’t get it. I’m sorry I am having fun away from my computer. It is possible. I did go a whole week without one. (Considering I had no power the day I got back from the trip without internet access or a computer access.)

This is a big rant, but I guess I deserve to put one up. A lot of my blogs have been low-key. I just needed to get everything off my chest. Especially since one night turned my whole week to shit. Thanks.

I do wish I was different sometimes. I do wish my online friends realised they probably wouldn’t like me if they knew me IRL. I’m afraid to meet them for that reason. I want to meet them, but there are those things. I’m such a weird person. I don’t understand myself at times.

I’m done. Really.
Sorry for this rant/rave. I needed it off my chest.

xoxo –bridget.